Useless, but still reasonably funny things...

to brighten up this dull and dreary day (well it is here. This is weather im talking about - im actually in a grrrrrrrrrrreat mood!)



If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.


Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.


Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. Guaranteed to work every time!


Weight watchers: Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the F-ing thing
in the first place.


Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.


Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.


X-Files fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.


Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.


Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.


Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.


Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.


A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.


Olympic athletes: disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.


Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitutes etc."taste exactly like the real thing", they won't notice any difference.


Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.


Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.


Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.


Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
driving the wrong way up one way streets.


Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.


A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from going back to sleep.

I take no responsibility for any injury suffered by trying any of these...but if you do can you let me know the results? I am very curious!!



James



___________________________________
Hamilton Sky

James Mead

hehe i got to try a few



~Ryan~