Joke thread!

What do Brooklyn and pantyhose have in common?

another response to the emo thing was "none, they cry alone in the dark" or something, heard it yesterday



-Brian

Message deleted on 2015-09-05 06:30:16 PDT

why do blonde girls have sore bellybottons?

because blonde boys are stupid too



~SOFiA~

"you wont hear me, still you endear me, now..woo woo"

>what's black and tapping on the window?
>
>a cat in a microwave

hahahah



____________________________
www.yourcodenameismilo.com

Message deleted on 2015-09-05 06:30:16 PDT

What's green and red and goes around in circles?


A frog in a blender



---Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost, Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost, What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time? What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind---

if we went racial i could go for hours... but couldnt we all?



-Brian

Let's not get racial. The dead baby jokes already took this thread down a few notches...

Message deleted on 2015-09-05 06:30:16 PDT

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY **** my pants..."


Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're
stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?
Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself."


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all about to be executed by firing squad.
The executioner dragged the redhead into the execution yard, gave her a cigarette
and blindfold, and asked her if she had any last words. The redhead pointed into
the distance and replied,"Look out- TORNADO!" The entire firing squad quikly
turned and looked. When they turned back around, the rehead was gone! So then
the brunette was dragged before the guns and asked whether she had any last words.
The brunette replied, "look out TYPHOON!" The entire firing squad quikly turned and looked. When they turned back around, the brunette was gone. Once again the blonde got dragged before the guns blindfolded and asked whether she had any last words. Having witnessed what her fellow prisoners on death row had done, the blonde thought for a second and shouted at the top of her voice "FIRE!!!" And so they did.



http://groups.msn.com/Andreasoverseaspics/mestup.msnw

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."


One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."


What do a blonde and a taxi have in common?

Everyone's been in and out for $2.00.


A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"



http://groups.msn.com/Andreasoverseaspics/mestup.msnw

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."


A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!


Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?
Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''


A guy goes to a tattoo parlor and asks how much it would cost to get a picture tattooed on his dick. The artist tells him it will cost $100. So the client hands him a $100 bill and says "OK. Please tattoo a picture of this $100 bill on my dick." "OK" says the artist. Then, out of curiosity, he asks the guy "But why do you want a picture of a $100 bill tattooed on to you dick?"

The client says "Never mind. Just do it, please." Now even more curious, the artist then says "OK, I'll tell you what ... I'll do the tattoo for you and you can keep your $100, if you'll just tell me why you want a tattoo of a $100 bill on your dick." Accepting the offer, the client tells him "OK. here's why:

1) I like playing with my money

2) I like watching my money grow.

3) The next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay at home and do it."



http://groups.msn.com/Andreasoverseaspics/mestup.msnw

It's comedy night at the Nine Days club!

Message deleted on 2015-09-05 06:30:16 PDT

ive got one too...

There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"

haha. so not funny ^_^



____________________________
www.yourcodenameismilo.com

Message deleted on 2015-09-05 06:30:16 PDT

hehehahahaha



http://groups.msn.com/Andreasoverseaspics/mestup.msnw

its yellow but when u push the button its red



...
pikachu in a mixer



____________________________
www.yourcodenameismilo.com

What happens once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a hundred thousand years?

-Mike





Go listen to my band. We're awesome.

http://www.myspace.com/rosencrantzny
weallgotwoodandnails

Message deleted on 2015-09-05 06:30:16 PDT

i dunno mike....what is it?

(whats wrong with pikachu )



____________________________
www.yourcodenameismilo.com

the letter m



"What do you love about music? To begin with...everything"

what's a mad owl.

Bump!



http://groups.msn.com/Andreasoverseaspics/mestup.msnw

Ever since his late teens Jim had suffered from terrible headaches. Finally, in desperation and after years of misery, he sought medical advice. Many tests later the doctor sat down with Jim to deliver his diagnosis. The doctor said, "Jim, I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way medical science can relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice ...Cut 'em.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Jim realized that he felt like a different person - he could make a new beginning and live a new life. Seeing a men's clothing store he thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Jim tried on the suit. It fits perfectly. As Jim admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Jim thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Jim and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Jim was again surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Jim tried on the shirt, and it fits perfectly. As he adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Jim was on a roll now and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed his feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 D." Jim was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Jim tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Jim thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Jim's waist and said, "Let's see...size Large." Jim laughed, "Ah hah I got you! I've worn size Medium since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size Medium.... they would be too tight....press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."



John
===============
"We'll never know 'till we try..."

Message deleted on 2015-09-05 06:30:16 PDT

A 42-year-old woman goes in for a face lift... after much pain the bandages finally come off, and she stands admiring her new improved look.

Wanting to see what the rest of the world thought, she went out onto the street and began asking people how old they thought she was. She approaches a man and asks "excuse me sir, how old do you think I am?"... he replies "hmm about twenty-seven?" She smiles and tells him her real age. Feeling pleased she walks off.

A little further down the road she sees a shoe shop, and asks the assistant while she tries on a new pair "how old would you say I look?" to which he replies "about twenty-six?" Even more pleased, she tells him her real age, buys the shoes and trots off down the street.

Feeling hungry, she drops into McDonalds and orders some fries. Whilst waiting, she asks the man next to her "sorry to bother you, but how old do you think I am?" After a long hard look the man says "Twenty-five" The woman is delighted. "Ha! Nope I'm 42!" she says, takes her food and strolls off.

Standing at the bus stop on the way home, she tries her luck one more time with an old man standing nearby. She approaches him and says "excuse me sir, how old would you say i am?" He looks up and answers "there's one way to tell, let me feel your breasts" The woman is rather taken back, but feels the day has gone so well she might as well play along.

After much feeling, touching and carressing, the man stands back and says "you're 42" Shocked, the woman says "Jesus, how did you know that?" The man smiles and says "Because I was behind you in McDonalds!!!"

Classic

---

What's the difference between a woman and a battery?
A battery has a positive side!!!

Sorry

that last one was just wrong

Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Grainne Halloran takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the press and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the press with her son. The little boy says, 'Dark in here' The man says, 'Yes it is.'Her son says - 'I have a skateboard

Man - 'That's nice.'
Son - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No thanks."
Son - 'My Dad's outside.'
Man - 'How much?'
Son - '$500.00.'

In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the press together
Son - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Son - 'I have a helmet.'
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Son - '$200.00.'
Man - 'Fine.'

A few days later the father says to the boy, 'Get your skateboard and helmet and show me how you can ride..
His son says, 'I can't, I sold them.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Son - '$700.00.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again.'

------------------------------------------------------------------

Sister Brigid was teaching her young students one day and she asked each of them what they would like to be when they grew up. She came to a little girl who responded, "When I grow up I want to be a prostitute."

Shocked, good Sister Brigid fainted on the spot. Her students rushed to revive her. When she came around, Sister asked the little girl, "What did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?" The little girl replied, "A prostitute."

"Oh thank goodness," the relieved nun replied "I thought you said a Protestant."