Need Some Opinions

i play the bass and i am looking to start a band. I write a lot of lyrics and i always like to bounce them off people to see what they think so here is one of my more recent ones

Untitled [Your Song]

I just want a chance; I deserve if that at least,
I know the way you feel and it kills me deep inside,
All the words I want to say to you never escape my mind,
But I know where this is going, and I?m not even on your mind

And there?s a place where I keep my thoughts locked up inside,
How come I can?t feel anything from anyone but you?
Just let me have a chance and I know it will be alright,
I just need your hand to help me up and turn the dark into the light

[Chorus]
This song is won?t reach your ears,
These lyrics will never be the words you long to hear,
I just want to be with you right here,
I just want to be the one for whom you care,
Take me please and let?s make this clear

I fail to reach you every time you come near,
You don?t even realize how much you mean to me,
Why are the words so hard for me to say?
Please give me one chance,
Please look my way

[Chorus]
This song is won?t reach your ears,
These lyrics will never be the words you long to hear,
I just want to be with you right here,
I just want to be the one for whom you care,
Take me please and let?s make this clear

I?m not asking for the world, it?s already lost,
I just want to be with you, at any cost,
I would give up everything I have,
Just feel you near me and to hold your hand

[Chorus]
This song is won?t reach your ears,
These lyrics will never be the words you long to hear,
I just want to be with you right here,
I just want to be the one for whom you care,
Take me please and let?s make this clear

[Chorus]
This song is won?t reach your ears,
These lyrics will never be the words you long to hear,
I just want to be with you right here,
I just want to be the one for whom you care,
Take me please and let?s make this clear



<img src=http://www.onlineseats.com/upload/concerts/746_con_ninedayscol.jpg>

If I Am Another Waste Of Everything You Dreamed Of I Will Let You Down

Hmmm, I do like. Few things i would say would be that I would change it to these words will never be the words you long to hear, just feels better to me. Rhyming here and hear get's kinda iffy. The last thing i would say is that I think the two lines starting with "I just" could use some pazazz. They're kinda plain, need some more language.



Post Edited (11-29-06 09:47)

---Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost, Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost, What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time? What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind---

I like it, think its fab!



*Azure*
xxxx

It's a really good song, it has a lot of emotion in it. Maybe you should be the lead singer and still play bass.



http://www.hyperlaunch.com/snowpatrol/eyesopen/

***It's hard to argue when your making sense***

i like the angle you took for the chorus